Crime Wave Hits Nantucket

Crime Wave hits Nantucket.

By Vincent Smith
15th July 2003

In the sleepy island town of Nantucket, crime is something you
read about in the Boston Globe or see on CNN. The Nantucket
police force is ill equipped for the mayhem that was about to ensue.

It all started out innocently enough. We arrived at the rental house in Nantucket early
Saturday afternoon, took our rooms and looked around. The house was lovely, with one exception. There was no toilet paper. This was
a problem, but it was a beautiful day and the beach was calling to us.

After coming back from a day at the beach, the house key was placed on top of the sugar bowl, which it promptly fell behind and became invisible. One by one, we left the house on the way to the Lobster Trap for dinner. James and Sarah, having retired to their room for a “Nap” were lagging behind. I informed them that we were leaving and they said they would get ready and meet us there.

As we were leaving the house, we checked for the key on the sugar bowl but it was gone (invisible). We assumed Dave and Louise had the key, but to be sure, we locked the front and side door and left the back door unlocked. Someone went down to tell James and Sarah not to lock the door, but they were in the shower (together) and were not taking any calls. I left a message on James’ cell phone not to lock the door and then we left.

James and Sarah, now very clean, emerged from the shower to an empty house. They got dressed, made some lovey-dovey baby noises at each other and left the house. James checked his cell phone and started to get his messages. As luck would have it, someone had accidentally dialed James’ phone and left a 20-minute long rambling string of background noise. As James was listening patiently, Sarah told James to lock the door. He put up some resistance, but eventually agreed with Sarah’s point that “god forbid someone should get into the house and steal something valuable because they hadn't locked the door”. After the door was locked and they were merrily on their way, Sarah told James, why don’t you just hit 3, 3 on the phone to skip to the end of the message. This was news to James. He tried it and miracle of miracles, he didn't have to listen to the rest of the background noise. Then he got my message not to lock the door. Pooh!!!

Meanwhile, at the Lobster Trap, it was too hot to sit inside and they only served appetizers and drinks outside. We tried, begged, implored and cajoled the waiter to make an exception and give us real food. It was all to no avail. We ordered our appetizers grudgingly and then made a wonderful discovery. Someone asked if there were any special fruity drinks. The waiter said they had a drink called an Elbow Bender. We liked the sound of that and ordered a round (except for Noelle, who was drinking wine). We liked them so much that we ordered another, and then another. That’s when James and Sarah met us at our table, smiling and holding hands (Awww). James told us the story of the door locking (see above). Some were concerned, some merely pointed to their elbows as the waiter walked by. No words were necessary. The waiter nodded and returned with another round.

As we saw it, we now had 2 problems. We were locked out of the house, and even if we could get back in, we had no toilet paper. Dave went into the bathroom and yada yada yada one problem was solved. Tricia also made a trip to the bathroom. A locked cabinet was no match for her and we soon had several rolls of the good stuff.

Frank, Tricia and Dave were concerned that we would not get back into the house. All the doors were locked and so were all the windows. Dave called the real estate agent and left a message that we all knew would go unanswered. The concerned citizens went back to the house to see what they could do. The rest of us pointed to our elbows and the waiter nodded.

Back at the house, Tricia crawled through every bush and shrub around the front and side of the house trying every window to no avail. Frank checked the back of the house without the same diligence but with similar results.

Defeated, the concerned citizens returned to the Lobster Trap to break the bad news to us. We did the only thing we could and went to the Gazebo to drink some more. You really can’t get into too much trouble at the Gazebo. It’s too open and there’s no toilet paper to steal. The party split up, some heading home to try once more to get in, some went next door to drink some more.

Nature called so Noelle walked into the ladies room to take care of some business. What better time to take a cell phone call. Maybe it was the wine, maybe the phone call distracted her, but for whatever reason, when Noelle tried to leave the bathroom the way she came in, the door would not cooperate. She had places to go, people to see. She was locked out of her house and now she was locked in a bathroom. Suddenly, she was one of Charlie’s Angels. She calmly kicked the door in and it crumbled in front of her. It was then she realized that she had actually come in though another door and what she had just kicked in was just a decoration. Noelle then turned on an innocent bystander who, just having witnessed Noelle destroy a harmless decoration, swore secrecy. Noelle grabbed a roll of toilet paper and left the way she came in.

James and Sarah made their way back to the house, but the walk was farther then they thought and Nature was calling Sarah collect. She took the call in a nearby bush. Luckily, she was carrying a roll of toilet paper with her.

After returning to the house one more time with no hope of getting in through an unlocked window, Dave did the only sensible thing and took a metal bicycle pump to a pane of glass on the side door. He huffed and he puffed and he slammed the bike pump into the glass again and again. One thing is for sure; everyone should buy one of these doors for their home. The damn thing is indestructible.

Sarah, obviously believing that all keys are created equal, tried to open the side door with her house keys. She gave up pretty quickly and left the keys in the door to be found the next day. Frank and Tricia, having given up hope of getting in the house had decided to sleep in the car.

The stragglers started home. Caroline led the way as the rest stumbled behind. We cut through a couple of back alleys and side streets. Truth be told, I had no idea where we were. Quietly, we headed up yet another alley and noticed a group walking towards us. As they got closer, we realized it was Dave and Louise. Dave informed us that we were still locked out of the house, but earlier, he had seen a ladder in the basement of his friend’s house. Our mission, should we decide to accept it was to break and enter one house, steal a ladder and then break into our own house. It all seemed perfectly logical. When we emerged from the basement, our group had left us, disavowing any knowledge of our mission. Dave and I silently walked up the alley carrying a 20 ft ladder.

When we arrived, we set up the ladder under the only open window. I felt that I was the obvious choice to climb to the top, since I was the drunkest, but Tricia disagreed and insisted that she should be the hero. Personally, I didn't think I even needed a ladder. I was feeling so good that I could have just flown up to the window.

As Tricia and I debated who would be best to climb the ladder, Caroline asked innocently enough if anyone had tried the window next to the door. Before we could answer, the window was open, and Caroline had jumped through like a poodle through a hoop. I had one foot on the ladder as Caroline opened the door to let us in. And there was much rejoicing. Frank informed us that he hadn't checked the window because there was a bush in front of it, which went over quite well with Tricia.

What better way to end the day then to have a beer and quietly recap the night’s events. Louise said that Playboy bunnies could have gotten into the house easier than we had, and we could not disagree. Apparently, we weren't as quiet as we thought. After a few minutes, a woman came by to tell us that she could hear us from a block away and could we please keep it down a little. Having demonstrated her exceptional hearing, it was no surprise that she heard Sarah mutter “BITCH” quietly under her breath. She poked her head back over our bushes to inform us she was calling the police.

With all of the crimes committed over the course of the night, it would figure that we would get in trouble for talking.