The Worst Place For a Bachelor Party – The Strip Club
Lazy bachelor party organizers will often choose a strip club for the Bachelor party. Unfortunately, strip clubs are a lame solution for this kind of celebration. The tend to be expensive and then they kick you out the moment money stops flowing. Nothing really happens in the champagne room and the whole experience can leave a nasty taste in your mouth and an empty feeling in you wallet. Coupled with that, there really aren’t any strip clubs near Mohegan Sun anyway, the closest is in Groton or Rhode Island – Lets not forget that in Rhode Island prostitution was legal until recently, so there are a great deal of “entertainers” with the old mind set (before the puritans invaded) that REALLY know how to host a BP – but this piece is all about the BP at Mohegan Sun, so let’s please stay on topic.
The other bad place for a bachelor party is anywhere where you will get kicked out or closed down (unless you want it closed down of course) – the best parties are closed down by the police, but only when you want them closed down – not when they are in full swing.
The Best Venue For a Bachelor Party – The Hotel Suite
Hotel suites are the perfect venue for the Bachelor Party – its private and you wont get interrupted – the party can get crazy and the entertainers can be “Full Service” if required without risk of ejection or prosecution.
But with the ban at Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods, we quickly realized that an outside hotel was the way to go for our bachelor party – There all manner of other hotels in the area of Mohegan Sun, many with large suites or function rooms that perfectly suit the bachelor party. Some of the local hotels that are suitable are Comfort Suites, Holiday Inn, Marriott Courtyard, The Inn at Norwich and Motel 6. In our case it also helped that all 32 guys were staying at the hotel, which makes it a lot easier to buy the whole floor, so there is little chance that someone’s “little darling” will come out of the elevator and see all manner of lewd and lasciviousness acts unfolding on the elevator landing. Also random girls are more inclined to come back to a large hotel suite.
Great Attributes of the Perfect Hotel Suite
So what makes a great location for a Bachelor Party? An ice machine outside the door of the suite, a good refrigerator, plenty of beer and liquor keep the party going long into the night. Dim lighting, a good sound system and a sober host is perfect combination for the entertainment section. Some weed also goes down well for settling down the groom and the dancers. Another good idea is concrete floors with carpeting, because the sound won’t travel. Its also a good idea to book all the rooms next door, below and above the main room. Ideally book all the rooms on that floor too, so your party can have the run of the hallway if need be. A hotel suite with an ante-room that can be used as a green room is perfect, providing the “entertainment” with a place to get ready, store all their gear and take that all important break – but that’s not the most important reason – the best reason for an ante room is so that the strippers can move between the main room and the green room without being seen by other hotel guests. As the host you need to do everything in your power to minimize the risk of discovery.
Bachelor parties that are planned by a weak-willed best man are often crap.
The bachelor should have no say in what happens at the bachelor party. His choice of best man should not be taken lightly though, as he is trusting the best man to keep him out of trouble and possibly jail. The best man knows both the bride and groom and needs to plan the appropriate bash. Getting 50 grams of cocaine delivered to the bachelor party is probably not appropriate for a religious, teetotal groom.
Bachelor parties that have the location, format or content dictated by the groom are crap and are not worth going to. – The groom is has too much skin-in-the-game to make good decisions that are best for the bachelor party as a whole. If he doesn’t have any input to the party, he cannot be responsible for anything that transpires at the party – or so his defense to his newly-minted wife will state
Bachelor party attendees who break man-code and talk about the bachelor party afterwards to their spouses must be silenced as this is potentially a very destructive act to other people’s relationships, especially the bride and groom. There are many weddings that have been called off due to antics that transpired at the bachelor party.
The Bachelor Party Mantra
In order to be able to have a good time at the bachelor party its important for everybody (Including the wives at home) to accept the mantra of the bachelor party:
All men are pigs and the bachelor party is a conspiracy against women.
When everyone accepts that basic fact, you can move on and have a great time and get no pestering questions when you get home. If you get questions, keep repeating the above line ad-nauseam.
Lessons From Past Bachelor Parties
I have been to all manner of bachelor parties – batting cages, bowling, pub crawl, poker night, baseball games, hockey games, bachelor roasts, pitch and putt golf, paint ball, laser tag etc. All of which are great pre-party warm ups, but if they are ever the main event then the bachelor party is one big waste of time.
Men want to see naked women dancing and performing sexual favors at a bachelor party. A few years ago, one such bachelor friend insisted that no strippers be present at his bachelor party because he had committed to fiancee that he would be faithful and wouldn’t even look at another girl let alone touch them. He made this point many times to the best man, and even went as far as saying if any women turn up he would leave the party. So the best man laid on a good spread of food, alcohol and porn, but no women. The night came and the first words from the bachelor when he arrived were “OK, where are the strippers ? Lets go FUXX some WHORES” …. and he wasn’t joking.
The novelty act is something that doesn’t work at the Mohegan Sun but works really well in big cities like Boston, NYC and Vegas. The choices are midget tossing, midget boxing, the transvestite stripper midget, midget bowling, midget throwing, the transvestite stripper, the fruit and vegetable lady, the Kielbasa lady, the puke lady (She can puke up beer up on command), the egg lady (she fires eggs out of her vagina) or the whiffle bat lady (She fires out ping-pong balls, which you must hit with the whiffle bat)
These novelty acts are really great, but don’t work very well at the Mohegan Sun for Foxwoods because these casinos are so far away from the civilization of the metro areas of New York and Boston. This means the novelty act will not want to come for the perfect 30 minutes. If they do come they will overstay their welcome and the stag party becomes all about them – uncomfortable glances and awkward conversation is something you don’t want long after their act has finished.
The one novelty act that is welcome all night is Howard Stern’s Beetlejuice. This one-man dynamo will keep the party going long into the night and the strippers just love him. Beetlejuice isn’t the prettiest entertainer, but his antics will keep people in stitches (He loves to dip his wiener in peoples drinks (sometimes while they are drinking them), run around naked, poop in odd places, and generally act crazy – but fun) Be warned though, the bachelor party will quickly become all about him – but if you can get Beetlejuice to come, it may be worth it – people won’t stop talking about the BP for years.
The Pre and Post Party Activities Itinerary
Ideally the bachelor party isn’t meant to be just a 2 hour occurrence, its really an all-day event – with a variety of activities that get the group warmed up to the big finale at the end of the night.
We started with golf (Which actually got rained out so a pre-gamble at Mohegan Sun happened instead). Then came drinks and food at the suite. All nicely liquored up, the main event came on. We got 4 girls for the party, as 2 or 3 girls is too few for a group of 32 – turns into a leer-fest, 4 girls keeps the dynamic just right – we don’t care that the girls don’t make as much money – We want the best experience possible for our party.
We followed the action with a bout of post-gamble, dinner or nightclub at the Mohegan Sun – choices that all of the group could make depending on their inclination.
The Stripper Itinerary
Jumping back to the strippers for just a moment, lets get into some more detail on how their entertainment section went down at our bachelor party
They started off with some teasing of the groom and best man, four strippers on two guys is great fun to watch.
The strippers soon got bored and started beating my friends buttocks with leather belts for what seemed like 10 minutes. Red bottomed boys were writhing in pain on the floor at the end of this. All manner of further unmentionable abuse of the two then ensued that also included some humming by the men and some pleasure and release for the girls
The strippers then went on to perform lap dances for the rest of the guests who wanted them, which was quite a few.
After taking a scheduled break they came back out and performed girl on girl, which I always thought was penetration, but the strippers corrected me in stating that was just kissing and hugging. We had paid for the full pen and we weren’t disappointed when they relented. 2 girls went at it with their device, but I had really wanted a full 4-way, or perhaps a 5-way show with the groom – but 2 of the girls wouldn’t do it – again down to the poor choice of the agency for providing two prudes, who weren’t that great looking either.
At this point the main body of the party went to Mohegan Sun for the after-party but some of the boys stayed behind to get full service from the better looking 2 girls. The other two girls split and where did they go? You guessed it, they were spotted at the Mohegan Sun trying to hook some drunk Irish guys at The Dubliner Irish Pub. Ah the great American dollar.
Stripper Pricing Menu
The Stripper a-la-carte menu on the night was as follows:
- The booking fee, that just gets them there was $200 per girl
- Lap dance $10 for basic, $20 for full touching – one song
- Private Session $100 per girl, 3 songs, all parties fully nude, no sex.
- Girl on girl with toys and full pen – $100 per girl (You need at least 2 girls of course)
- Individual oral relief to completion $200
- Full on vaginal sex $400 per girl, 20% discount for more than one.
- Anal sex $600, provided they were open to it.
- Sex with all 4 girls and a full cream pie – The price is an ongoing romance and a marriage proposal requirement by the Russians strippers, but then you would never need to get laid ever again.
The Bachelor Party Mistakes We Made:
No bachelor party is complete without mistakes. I have documented ours so you can avoid them yourself:
Mistake No 1: Choosing The Right Stripper Agency
The biggest mistake we made at the bachelor party was that we didn’t choose the right agency. The four strippers we got were Russian money-grubbers and were leveraging for more money at every turn. Although we have experience with bachelor parties in NYC, we had not organized a bachelor party at Mohegan Sun before, so we didn’t know which agency was good and who sucks. You pick an agency who you you think will be reliable and hope for the best. When they strippers say “the more green, the more obscene” its a lie – more green means more money for them – and nothing else. Our agency sent us girls that don’t look like their photos, arrived late and some items went missing after the party that we cannot account for – its a shame that we cannot eliminate the strippers from the potential list of perps, but who else would steal handcuffs and iPod speakers and deny it afterwards.
Two of the strippers had AA size breasts, which was a little off-putting, given that they weren’t that slim. The strippers were supposed to be from Rhode Island, but the ones we got ended coming from Boston – We probably would have fared better with a more reliable stripper agency from NYC.
These Boston girls were prima donnas, demanding cigarettes, weed, liquor, beer and their own key for the green room. We provided them with their own hotel room, which was connected to the main suite via an internal door, but even that wasn’t good enough for them, they demanded all the keys to the room like were we criminals – I thought we were being thoughtful, all they were doing was grabbing.
The strippers weren’t easy-going and fun in the least. Their driver was probably the only redeeming factor – He was a good guy and we felt more compelled to make sure he was taken care of than the strippers. First time that’s ever happened and we’ve done a lot of parties.
Mistake No 2: Negotiating For What We Wanted
To avoid the lasciviousness of the pay-as-you-go model, where guys just keep throwing money at the strippers all night to keep the party moving, we identified that we wanted a more refined experience and stated that we would pay up-front for all the group acts and shows and only one-on-one “experiences” like lap dances would be chargeable to each attendee. So we paid up front for all the stripper shows at the start of the night.
The problem is, the stereo-typical stripper is not that smart. So when you agree on something they have an amazing ability to forget all about it and go back on the deal – sometimes it can work out, other times its a mess.
To recap, all individual lap dances and private sessions would be extra and we would pay for all the shows. We agreed on the rate and paid it all at the start of the party, which came to $800. Less than 30 seconds later, yes 30 seconds, the strippers go out to my crowd of hungry eager guys and demand that they all pay $20 each to see the first part of the show – I was pissed off – thank god I had instructed my crowd to not pay for anything other than the one-on-one. The strippers got unreasonably angry, so I started dishing out ones from from huge wad of singles I got from the bank earlier just to get the party started, but it was tense. Next time, no up front payments of any kind, the strippers have goldfish memories. Just wads of singles spewing out of a human vending machine, nothing else. Someone else told me this tip, I regret ignoring it:
Forget everything else, bachelor party strippers only respond to wads of singles
A GFE (Girlfriend Experience Prostitute) would never respond to this kind of treatment, but there is a reason why the Bachelor party strippers are not GFE’s
Mistake No 3: Running Out Of Beer
We also made the rookie mistake of not having enough beer for the party. I figured that for 32 guys, none of which were heavy drinkers would be fine with 150 Beers and 5 bottles of liquor. We added another 60 beers when someone brought some extra cases – but 210 bottles was woefully too little. 350 or 400 beers should have been the target – I am just blown away that would have been 12.5 beers a person, especially when some of the party goers were on the wagon, dragging the running average of the drinkers up to 16 bottles per person.
We would have brought a keg and a kegerator if I thought we could have sneaked it past the front desk, but that’s another rookie mistake that I knew i didn’t want to make – getting your party closed down before it even starts is the ultimate bachelor party faux-pas.
Mistake No 4: Starting The Party Too Late
We started the party too late, we were scheduled to start the “Entertainment” section at 8PM, as the food and drink would be complete by then – 8PM is ridiculously early in Vegas or NYC terms, it was barely dark outside in CT, but it turns out 8PM is very late in Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods terms as these casinos close the all the fun activities at the casino so early. The strippers ran late, took their time getting ready, started their performance late, ran into another big problem (below) and were just settling in for an all-nighter when my first free Mohegan Sun Casino shuttle bus turned up at 10:00PM to take us to the after-party – cutting the main party short and pissing the strippers off even further. We dumped the 10PM shuttle bus, extended the show another 30 Min’s and then everyone that could fit squeezed into the 10:30PM bus with others following in other forms of hired transportation. A couple of stragglers stayed behind to bang some very pissed-off strippers. God knows how bad that must have been – we were surprised they didn’t trash the hotel room.
Mistake No 5: Unapproved Photography
The last mistake we made was a huge misjudgment by one of our party goers who snuck in a camera in the middle of the show. We had made multiple announcements to the fact of no cameras, no camera phones etc. The person got caught and the strippers were really pissed off. They stopped the show for 30 minutes which really put us behind. They took the camera and found that the perp had taken so many photos that it would take them all night to delete them. They destroyed the SD card and flushed it down the toilet. When they restarted the show, they just weren’t motivated – and insisted that the perpetrator stand outside the hotel suite for the rest of the show, which caused further unnecessary tension, something you don’t want at a bachelor party where people want a fun time. With over 30 drunk guys at the party, you just do your best to keep a lid on it.
Other Bachelor Party Mistakes People Have Made In The Past:
- Going to a strip club after the Bachelor Party – Its like eating an appetizer after dessert – Don’t do it.
- Talking about the Bachelor party outside the group – This leads to many problems including arguments and divorce. Don’t do this.
- Paying for full-blown sex for the groom, when oral sex is enough for him to be happy – strippers don’t give refunds.
- Having a boring bachelor party, guys will be pissed at you for years.
- Russian strippers. They are always blonde and beautiful, but can be complete bitches. They wont do diddly-squat unless they are paid for it – one stripper wanted 5 dollars to pass me a beer. Puts a sour note on the evening and that’s just not what you want.
- Selecting an unmotivated best man, its his job to create phenomenal bachelor party. Often best men are lazy and don’t even want the job.
- Allowing the bachelor to go to the Bridal shower on the same day as the BP – This is a woman’s BS move to remind the groom not to have a good time at his bachelor party
- Starting a bachelor party too late can annoy hotel guests and the management will close you down. Scheduling the party when all the hotel guests are already at the Mohegan Sun is a genius move.
- Don’t even bother having a BP if the groom has already got the bride pregnant, he is not going to relax as he has too much to lose in the relationship, cancel the BP and do it after the baby is born or after they get divorced (There is a solid 72% probability that this will happen in the first 2 years after a shotgun wedding)
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