The Ultimate Bachelor Party Checklist

Planning a bachelor party can be a complicated endeavor, but this checklist and task list can help steer you in the right direction. Collectively, we have been to over 35 bachelor parties and we now deem ourselves experts on the art of the great American bachelor party. OK Let’s get started with the universal bachelor party laws, they are:

The Universal Bachelor Party Laws:

  1. Bachelor parties that don’t involve some level of debauchery aren’t bachelor parties at all; they are just get-togethers for pussies – so stop reading now if that’s what you are thinking about having. This article is for motivated men and things are about to get pretty down and dirty
  2. The groom should have no input on the content or location of the bachelor party, as all decisions are made by the best man only, not by committee or especially not by the groom. The best man can listen to the groom’s suggestions if they like, but then he must completely ignore everything they say because the groom needs some plausible deniability. Women are like the Taliban, they will know if they are lying and you need your groom to be separated from all the decisions about the bachelor party.
  3. The only choice the groom has in the matter of the Bachelor party is his choice of the best man. That is his one and only decision. The best man will be running the bachelor party and the groom is trusting him with his life (and his future with his wife) If he gets AIDS from his bachelor party, it is the best-man who will be responsible and he will be responsible for buying the Protease inhibitors.
  4. No evidence of the Bachelor party should exist after the party has ended. That means no cameras, no head shaving, no tattoos, no needles and no unprotected sex. Do we really need to say this?
  5. No discussion of the bachelor party should ever happen in mixed-sex company after the bachelor party has concluded. Ideally no spoken words should ever be uttered about the bachelor party afterwards, as you never really know who is listening – other than the NSA of course, who listens to everything. A knowing nod and wink at the wedding are all you need.
  6. It is the best man’s responsibility to get the groom back to his hotel room in one piece, so he cannot get so shit-faced himself that he cannot remember his own name. It is not his night; he should be working, not partying. It sucks to be the best man, but your time will come my friend. Right now, you need to step up to plate for your bro.

bachelor party cartoon back of topless stripper with guys watchingLocation Of The Bachelor Party:

The choice of location for the bachelor party is the key to its success. Hotel suites are good, as long as the hotel staff are cool to it. If you have a big group of guys, best rent all the adjoining rooms sideways and up and down. Strip clubs are the worst. Your uncle’s basement is the best, because you can do anything you want there and even stay the night. The cops cannot barge into uncle Teds den without probable cause. If you are worried it might get completely out-of-control, then invite some Police friends.

Planning The Amount Of Alcohol:

Always get 50% more alcohol than you need as a party that runs out of beer is a disaster. In our experience ideally 10 alcohol units per person, this will average out for the drunks and teetotalers alike. Again, running out of alcohol is very bad, so it is far better to be left with a ton of unused booze. Also remember strippers love to get wasted to hide their shame, so take that into account – they will be drinking copious amounts of your booze and will not be paying for it. Fortunately strippers have very low self-esteem and will probably turn up drunk or high already.

Strippers – What To Avoid

A bachelor party must have good strippers. Avoid Russian strippers at all costs, as they are often money grubbers and will not even take a crap on you for anything less than $250. Finding strippers with hearts of gold is tough to do, but getting good strippers is critical to the overall success of the Bachelor Party. It is the job of the best man to locate those white unicorns. Strippers on crack are also bad form as everything in the party location will be stolen and their drug dealer or pimp will come looking for you afterwards, even though you are the victim. Strippers with their own security escort are good – rather than being a dick to you, the security guys usually keep the strippers in line, who are often on drugs to remove their guilt and self-loathing that they feel by taking their clothes off and being abused by misogynist pigs – that would be you my friend. Agencies that have supplied good strippers in the past may not necessarily be able to provide good ones again, because the factory source of strippers is notoriously unreliable. Your task is to straddle the risk by using two separate agencies, because if one set of strippers are terrible, you will not be able to find any replacements in time. Strippers that will not allow the drunken pig of a groom to touch them inappropriately during sexy-dance time are man-hating lesbians and you should toss them out, that is why you always need a backup plan.

stripper with pink panties on hotel bedPaying The Strippers

Usually you have to pre-pay strippers in advance to just turn up. At the event,  just keep feeding them singles, fives and tens as they do more action. Anything else is a disaster, believe me when I say we have tried. Pre-pay, pay-for-play and set-price are all disasters as the strippers have a problem counting, remembering or even understanding basic financial agreements. When they see green being thrown at them, they will respond accordingly, It’s just built into their stripper DNA. Strippers who work the room and force everyone have a lap dance (and pay for it) are money grubbing bitches, read them the riot act if they try to pull that BS stunt. Strippers high on crack are useless blobs that are a boner killer, so try to avoid them. Cocaine can usually pull them back, but you run the risk of overdose and a visit to the emergency room, which is not very attractive at 5 AM. If you can have a medical technician or doctor at the bachelor party, all the better, but nake sure they bring some Narcam, for strippers who overdose on Opioids

Pre-Party Activities

Football games, golf, paintball, gambling, bowling, batting cage, restaurants, etc are all great excuses to get the party started, but they have to be pre-party, not THE actual party. When will lazy best-men learn?

Post Party Activities

Drinking, dancing, booze and drugs are the order of the post-party. Handcuffing the groom to a light pole is fun, but does not really have a pay-off. Shaving the groom’s head is funny, but ultimately dumb, as remnants of the BP should never exist after the event itself, you should know better. The groom should always have the option to have sex with one of the strippers after the party, so you should make sure that your strippers are open to this. Usually they just want to give the groom a blow job, but it should be up to him. Of course, he will be drunk off-his-ass, but the best man should have the conversation right before the bachelor party gets going. Does he want to have sex with the strippers at his party? That’s a good conversation to have with the groom a couple of drinks into the party. The fact that the groom has the choice will blow his mind for the rest of the party. If you have the cash, have him bang all the strippers at the same time. It will never, ever happen again, so its a onetime thing and well worth the splurge, believe me. If he has the guts/drunk enough, have him bang all the strippers in front of the guys. No cameras dummies.

Bail Bondsman and Back-Out Plan

Alcohol and guys equals punch ups on the street. You need to have a plan to be able to get someone out of jail, so you will need someone to be sober. Its usually the best man, but someone has to do it. Make sure you have access to a ton of cash, as bail is usually set at $1000 and they cannot get bail till they get in front of a judge the following morning, It could be a race to the church if you have gone old school and have the bachelor party the night before.

stripper tied upBachelor Party On The Night Before The Wedding

Back in the old days, the bachelor party was always the night before the wedding. Some grooms were still so drunk they did not turn up for the nuptials. In other cases, they were so hung over that the wedding photos look like hell. So, over time, the bachelor party moved to a day before the wedding, but as most people now get married on a Saturday, that meant Thursday night for the party, which is always tough for people who have to work. Now the standard for the bachelor party is two weeks prior to the wedding. It is close enough that it still feels like its part of the wedding process, but gives the groom time to recover. It also buys the groom some time to right any wrongdoings. He might also need some time if he meets the girl-of-his-dreams on the bachelor party night out, that is not his fiancee – Yes, this has actually happened! This time-gap between the bachelor party and the wedding gives him some time to back out of the ceremony if he needs to for any reason. Sounds crazy? Not at all, I have seen it happen (the new couple are still together and are still happy ten years later with two kids, the ex-fiancee, not so much). Having the bachelor party more than two weeks before the wedding is ridiculous and is reserved for pussies. If you do this then you are pussy whipped and you should probably not have a bachelor party after all, maybe go to the movies or drop in to the bachelorette party to see you fiancee getting banged by one of the strippers.

Important Bachelor Party Checklist:

If you are having the bachelor party in a hotel suite or in your uncles basement this is what you will need:

  • Alcohol: Liquor and mixers
  • Alcohol: Beer. Kegs are great when you have your own location, but the hotel manager will freak out if he sees you carrying a keg across the lobby, so you may want to consider boxes of 12/24 bottles. Keg cooler.
  • Soda, juice and water – for our teetotal AA friends
  • Food – Pizza seems like a go-to to for this, but some sliders and hot wings go down well too. Think July 4th. Also keep the food man centric, otherwise if you put on some sushi those strippers will be more interested in the food than the bachelor
  • Plates + cutlery
  • Laptop, projector, white sheet for wall and porn DVD’s –  This is a great way to get the party started and to keep it going between events
  • Disco lighting. Research conducted at MIT indicated that strippers stayed longer, gave out more favors and charged less when there were flashing lights in the bachelor party location. The MIT nerds who conducted these ridiculous tests put it down to the strippers being lulled into thinking that they were actually at a night club and they were having fun. No doubt the nerds still never got to bang any of the strippers though, but at least they got to check our their boobs for a little bit longer.
  • Cash – Many wads of ones and other small bills for change
  • Dick – Groom needs to provide this. You can ply him some viagra at the start of the night as he may want to bang more than one chick.
  • Sterno’s and racks – To keep food hot
  • Drinking Glasses. Plastic and Solo cups are for complete losers, so just buy a box of glasses at Costco and throw them all out at the end as this is a once-in-a-lifetime event.
  • Music system and continuous dance and stripper friendly music. It’s also a good idea to have a backup to this, otherwise your bachelor party will seem like a doctors waiting room without musics and the strippers will want to leave ASAP
  • Condoms – just in case there is going to be some sex
  • Bed sheets for the floor – strippers are not going to dance long on filthy hotel room carpet
  • Drugs. Weed is the de facto standard, but Cocaine is ideal to keep the momentum going. It will wake the groom up enough to bang the whores after a night of alcohol and weed.
  • Strippers – More than one. Girl on girl action is the most popular
  • Private room with bed for strippers to get ready and a place for the groom to bang them/pass out afterwards
  • Bail money – best man needs access to this just in case he needs to bail out the groom. $500-$1000, cash only, no evidence!
  • And of course, no cameras – enforce vigorously, switch those phones OFF you idiots

Mike Fowler

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